Iz Harris has given me a travel bug

Her recent Instagram shots

Her recent Instagram shots

So i’ve recently been super obsessed with Iz Harris’ travel videos. On my TV’s Youtube account, you’ll see all her videos suggested on my feed, because if you start with one - you’ll continue watching. It’s so easy to watch her videos and it’s almost like I’ve developed a connection with her and her family. I know it' sounds creepy, but thank you Iz for bringing me along your adventures.

I know, I know, there are a bunch of travel vloggers out there, but what makes her different? Is that she can show her travels while real life really happens. Her honesty and authenticity shines through her work. Perhaps the reason why I’ve always been so turned off by travel was that it is marketed in a way that it’s unreachable or you have to stop your life to get to those places. It was truly more of an inconvenience than anything.

You have to pack, you have to take vacation off from work, you have to plan logistics, you might not know where you’re going once you arrive. It does not sound like fun at all. However, she has a real approach in travel that she brings her full self through it all. There are even vlogs where she is in another country and she admits that she is missing life back at home. That’s the truth! I can get really homesick and miss the routine and people back at home.

Maybe for now, I can really be traveling to see things for myself and not through the lens of someone else or FOR anyone else.

I had to take a day off today just to take things slow and gather my thoughts.

It’s always pretty funny when the more I try to avoid people, they come back and try and haunt me.

When I feel like I want to take control of my life and no longer be grasped against my will, it’s like the hunters can smell the power I feel - and begin to want to attack. 

I’m a bit distracted today because I’m nervous tomorrow. Also, I’ve been eating too many fried foods and my throat hurts a lot. 

Today I decided that I should stop letting other platforms use my content hah. Maybe I’ll start food blogging on here just to make sure my own words are still owned by me. I don’t use any of the Yelp and Google perks anyway. It really is free money I’m giving them.

I had a lot of expectations

For people who don’t know, I moved to Staten Island in 2017.

There were a lot of transitions going on in my life at that time. Some I had put myself in and some I had no idea that were coming. I look back at it all now sitting in January 2019, knowing that it has shaped me into a real adult version of myself. At least, the most adult version of myself I can be at this time and space.

I’d like to declare that I’ve grown a lot. I’d like to share this post with utmost honesty. Though I’m not sure why I am putting myself out there in such a public light. You can judge me for this later. However, I know that I need this upheaval of HONESTY.

The honest truth is that I’ve grown so TIRED. The honest truth is that I’m TIRED of all the masks that we put out there. Can’t we have the simplicity of text that is not accompanied with all this fluff? I don’t need to write with a flourishing wave of my fingers hitting against the keys on this laptop. Why can’t I just write to write and not to impress anyone?

Before I moved here, I know I did a lot of things to impress people. I’d love to admit that now. I don’t really have anything else to lose now. Sometimes I have felt (especially lately), there are scales coming off my eyes. The scales are showing me the true ugliness of people. The true ugliness that has enveloped me into also being an ugly person inside and out. I had taken other things and made those earthly things into my gods.

I wanted to take matters into my own hands. I wanted to be in control. I needed to escape from reality. I won’t say that people are ugly as a blanket statement for all people in my life, however, I’ll say it for the most. Also, I will not deny the responsibility of my own actions that turned me. I HAD a lot of expectations of people around me and even more expectations of myself. I wanted to find the community I had when I was in college…or even the few years after college at my home church. I know I was spoiled now because that sense of community is so hard to find. It was such a rare occasion that I had that in my life. I cannot believe I had taken it for granted.

The expectations I had of people were crazy high. How could I think that I could have redesigned the community in the exact same manner as I had before? These are different people - maybe the people I’ve known haven’t disappointed me yet because I didn’t have the same high expectations of imperfect people. They also need to want the same intense community that I’ve known. And since it was rare, who am I to force them to want something they’ve never experienced?

So now I am stuck at a standstill. I can’t stop comparing people from present to past, but I have to - or else I will continue to drive myself crazy. Our life stages are so different now. I’m so afraid that people don’t deem me important anymore. I need to really readjust my priorities. I need to turn to God who already loves me. I need to rely on Him to create that sense of community. Without Him, there is no point. Jesus, I want the real deep fellowship relationships you’ve so graciously given. Where is that? I’m so tired of holding up this mask against my tears-soaked face. I’m so exhausted.

"Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel, and from here on out I'm not gonna feel anything new... just... lesser versions of what I've already felt."

Perspectives of a Shared Experience

Watching The Adderall Diaries was interesting. Acting and dialogue could have been a lot better, however it poses an interesting dilemma that probably causes 80% of my issues. Considering I am a person who looks at the past a lot, I'm wondering how much of it was reality and how much of it is something I wrote in my own head. What if I write my own heroes and victims in the story I'm writing in my memories? Do I have to compartmentalize people into good and evil and make them fit my limited boxes of roles in life? Can people really be good vs. evil? How do we combat this perspective when we grow up to learn these roles and it is so deeply rooted in us?