For people who don’t know, I moved to Staten Island in 2017.
There were a lot of transitions going on in my life at that time. Some I had put myself in and some I had no idea that were coming. I look back at it all now sitting in January 2019, knowing that it has shaped me into a real adult version of myself. At least, the most adult version of myself I can be at this time and space.
I’d like to declare that I’ve grown a lot. I’d like to share this post with utmost honesty. Though I’m not sure why I am putting myself out there in such a public light. You can judge me for this later. However, I know that I need this upheaval of HONESTY.
The honest truth is that I’ve grown so TIRED. The honest truth is that I’m TIRED of all the masks that we put out there. Can’t we have the simplicity of text that is not accompanied with all this fluff? I don’t need to write with a flourishing wave of my fingers hitting against the keys on this laptop. Why can’t I just write to write and not to impress anyone?
Before I moved here, I know I did a lot of things to impress people. I’d love to admit that now. I don’t really have anything else to lose now. Sometimes I have felt (especially lately), there are scales coming off my eyes. The scales are showing me the true ugliness of people. The true ugliness that has enveloped me into also being an ugly person inside and out. I had taken other things and made those earthly things into my gods.
I wanted to take matters into my own hands. I wanted to be in control. I needed to escape from reality. I won’t say that people are ugly as a blanket statement for all people in my life, however, I’ll say it for the most. Also, I will not deny the responsibility of my own actions that turned me. I HAD a lot of expectations of people around me and even more expectations of myself. I wanted to find the community I had when I was in college…or even the few years after college at my home church. I know I was spoiled now because that sense of community is so hard to find. It was such a rare occasion that I had that in my life. I cannot believe I had taken it for granted.
The expectations I had of people were crazy high. How could I think that I could have redesigned the community in the exact same manner as I had before? These are different people - maybe the people I’ve known haven’t disappointed me yet because I didn’t have the same high expectations of imperfect people. They also need to want the same intense community that I’ve known. And since it was rare, who am I to force them to want something they’ve never experienced?
So now I am stuck at a standstill. I can’t stop comparing people from present to past, but I have to - or else I will continue to drive myself crazy. Our life stages are so different now. I’m so afraid that people don’t deem me important anymore. I need to really readjust my priorities. I need to turn to God who already loves me. I need to rely on Him to create that sense of community. Without Him, there is no point. Jesus, I want the real deep fellowship relationships you’ve so graciously given. Where is that? I’m so tired of holding up this mask against my tears-soaked face. I’m so exhausted.